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[27 Jun 2007|02:56am]
Readghhgfhfghgfhgfhfghfg moreCollapse )
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[22 Sep 2006|12:36am]
Hmmmmm. Back again.
Sick of my other journal, having to monitor and omit many things, fuck that.

I was researching through my former ED commiunties and I was appauled by the idiots. I've gained weight and I was okay with myself, but I believe gaining 10 more pounds was enough. I know deep down I still have my ED tendencies and they're starting to surface once again. Gaining control of my life is hard. As with cutting, the urges have subsided but just a week ago they were very strong. I guess subconsiously this is how I deal with things; instead of recklessely jumping into self-mutilation, I skim the surface of ED behavior to get my feet a little wet.

These girls are ridiculous. I mean, it's like, there is so much out there, our fucking nation, or fucking political status, the universe, our dead or alive mothers and fathers, our friends, our hearts beating and begging to be loved? But you know what we do -- we obsess over the miniscule details of a celebrity in a piece of clothing, we disect and shred the egos of women who we secretly envy, we fawn and bleed over men with shallowless hearts and black eyes, just so they can want us for that moment. We spend hours practically fucking the mirror, making our faces look more surreal and lay out outfits we think that will match our moods and nailpolish, just so some minute man can give a pausing glance. We glamourize shitty photos of cocaine enriched, vomiting angels, the girls we think we're designed to be, girls posing nude on a fake set of paraisde and we believe it all, as if our God were standing in front of us. Our perspective and our main focus, our only drive, our only gift, as a woman, as a human being, is to be beautiful. To sustain our dead egos, to burn out the black spots in our drained minds, to make the world a better place.

Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to be here.
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[01 May 2006|05:52am]
*sigh* I have been over my eating disorder for some months now.. but I'm not sure.
I feel like I need to control. But I don't want to be emacaiated like I was before, well, I was almost there.
Everyone said I looked disgusting that thin and awkward and frail and etc, things that I probably wanted to hear.
School is a mess, kind of. I'm just so tired. Being homeschooled is rather difficult. I feel like I have no teachers anymore, at least when I went to class I was with people and had teachers helping me. I have nothing now. I have been wanting to SI for awhile again. Every fucking day. It wasn't bad today. I'm thinking about carving "love me" on my left wrist.... there is my baby scar, as I call it, still visible there from last year. I love staring at it.. it's beautiful. I will never regret my scars. They are apart of me.

I just feel heavy and sick. I don't care what I eat anymore, I lost 10 pounds not that long ago and now I believed I gained it back. I can't keep flucuating with my weight like this. I'm afraid of the scale. I don't need to get obsessed. Because I believe being that thin isn't even that beautiful, as society makes it. I find beauty in all forms and I know my body will never look good at 90lbs, I kept trying. I had nothing. I lost what I was given. I don't know.. its complicated and due to self-blame and self-worthlessness, I am in a constant struggle.

I miss certain friends. But I hate a lot of people. I hate how they make me feel. Vunerable.
People change. Ambien is going to kick in a little bit. I lied, I want to keep taking sleeping pills. Just for right now. Even though I just feel like crying, goddamnit, they make me emotional.
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[01 May 2006|03:48am]
Can you hear them
The helicopters
I'm in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me
In the eye directly
You met me
I think it's Wednesday
The evening
The mess we're in
And ooooh...

The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

Night and day
I dream of
Making love
To you now baby
Love making
On screen
Impossible dream
And I have seen
The sunrise over the river
The freeway
Reminding of
This mess we're in
And ooooh...

The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

What were you wanting / What was that you wanted
I just wanna say
Don't ever change now baby
I'd thank you
I don't think we will meet again
And you must leave now
Before the sun rises
Over the skyscrapers
And the city landscape comes into view
Sweat on my skin
This mess we're in

The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me
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[14 Dec 2005|04:28am]
Grrrrr IM BACK!!!
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[19 Sep 2005|04:28pm]
It's back on!! wooooo. Lol Melinda and I.. are... in puppy love =XX
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[11 Jul 2005|05:09am]
today is a new day. Rather, in about 10 hours for me when I awake. I ned to stay clear of eating right in the morning. Its weird, before when I'd wake up I never wanted to eat but now when I wake up I'm heading for the fridge. Maybe if I let go of this whole eating thing, I won't gain so much weight =( I feel like crying for a very long time and I never cry. It's so hard to cry sometimes and I feel like my body is trying to fuck with me over and over. I need someone, but that someone who I liked left me for drugs and a whore. Oh well, it could be worse? I need a cig.
I'll be outside blackening my lungs writing a sad poem under the 5am sky.. fuck this shit.
I wish that girl would call me from Blockbuster, she was really cute.
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[11 Jul 2005|03:27am]
Hello Journal,
The empy place in my bleeding conciousness, for all to disect with hungry eyes.

What's new you ask? If you must know... some-what miserable, and some-what happy. It's pure candor, I swear. I want to take kick-boxing this Wednesday and sign up for the gym this week. My dad wants to go so I know he'll go with me which will be nice. I want to know, how do these girls have the self-control? That I long for day and night, it's a never ending cycle with this bottomless pit demon in me, nawing at my brain and controlling me. I swear to fucking god its the truth. I'm not even hungry but I go for the most DISGUSTING food.. why can't I be normal and just not eat? I used to do that.. fucking laxatives messed me up! I don't know what I was thinking, I took 5 pills at once and ate a mother load. The binges started kicking in and I lost ALL control. I don't want to be in house, anywhere food is bothers me, I cannot picture myself eating anymore yet when given the chance I devoure so many calories... I fuck up everything. Then I'm not even motivated to exercise after the full feeling. I am very afraid right now, afraid of gaining weight and afraid of my eating disorder. It hates me, my brain is doing everything in its power to make sure I stuff my face. It makes me so sad that I war with food like this. I just want to sedate myself and not feel anything right now, especially the feeling of wanting or hating food. No, I want to hate food. I want it to be my fucking enemy. I want to not want it and ignore it like its fucking pathetic. God, I hate this. I just want to drink right now and I am A VERY happy person usually, I just need some rum.. fuck.
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[08 Jul 2005|04:27am]
I'm going to go on a 7 day fast, but fuck they're so hard because I get very light headed easily and always feel the blood is thinning in my body.. it's horrible. But I decided if I MUST EAT, it will be celery, salads, half pieces of rice cake, and green tea. I'm annoyed, I hate the feeling of wanting to eat, yet I want to be very healthy. I just wish my mind was off food and myself for once. I lost the fastest weight when I was preoccupied in lust that I didn't have time to even think about food. At least I'm not crazily binging anymore. I HATE binging. Augh. In my sleep sometimes I'm forced to eat and I freak out waking up in cold sweats. It's horrible. The more I focus on not eating the more my body is fucking with my head telling me to eat that I can't fight it sometimes and give in even when I'm not that hungry. Once I start to eat a litle, I must eat more and when the feeling of fullness kicks in I start to feel regret terribly. I hate the vicious cycle, but luckily things have been a lot better. No moreeee. I'm going on the bike machine for awhile tomorrow, I hope to burn about 300 and then go walking for about an hour and a half. I wish someone would take me in their red BMW and place a cig lightly between my lips and take me where I want to go. I want to go to the beach and get drunk, its the only thing I don't feel guilty about putting in my body. At least the stimulation lasts and makes me feel different than being on this concious earth. I dont want to feel forced to live by my mental-fucked-up-ness, but at the same time eating doesn't feel right either. Food is ugly and it makes me feel ugly. I just need to make it past the first 3 days of fasting and I should be OKAY... Whenever I feel the need to eat I'll look at things that make Summer beautiful and my life beautiful, I'll think of how happier I was and I'll feel more confident about myself. Fuck it, I'll get there..

I have 3 weeks to get my shit in order, I need to be at a better weight and size before August. August I may be going to New York and I'll be in the city a lot.. mmmm the city is delicious. I love it there.
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[22 Jun 2005|03:49am]
I've decided to go on a fast until Sunday, well, hopefully a fast. I want to exercise like a mad person tomorrow (I get my new running shoes! yay for Nike) so maybe I will bend it a bit JUST to fuel me up for a nice long run. I woke up and binged. Why the fuck am I waking up and binging?? It's HORRIBLE. I wake up and I'm still like out of conciousness and all I can think of is stuffing my fat face with shit. I had a sandwitch content must have been high. I then had a salad with regular dressing (gross, that shit was probably like 5g fat) and some fat-free yogurt. Which was alright, I didn't eat a shit load of it. But I'm still craving and I don't understand why? I think the more I restrict the more my useless pathetic body is fighting back wanting to feed itself all over again. I need to stay motivated and I wish I were happier because that ususally motivates me the most. I'll keep telling myself that this control is better than any food that I could ever consume. *sigh*
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[10 Jun 2005|04:38am]
Gosh, why do girls have to be sooo hot? I love them as friends and loooooovers. I saw this cute butchy looking girl at Target today. We made eye-contact and my gay-dar went off the charts. She walked by me several times, but I was too shy and had my iPod on high volume.. oh well =/

I feel ugly. But that will changed tomorrow. I binged a bit today. Yeah, it sucked. I walked into a McDonalds, of all places to eat, ewww. I had some McFlurry and 5 chicken nuggets. I hadn't eaten the whole day so I figured, it's my last day of school and why not? I'm so happy to be back on my strict diet. I don't even consider it strict because I enjoy it. I'm getting my hair done today at 3:00pm which reminds me I have to get my fat ass up at 12 if I want to accomplish anything. I'll do some laundry cause' I promised my mum I would, so that's a priority right now. Ter's 18th Birthday Bash is Saturday! Goody! I'm excited for her, we should have some fun burning things since we're all a bunch of pyros anyway. Also on the agenda, I'm getting my laptop today *squeals* that means I get to watch loads of lesbian porn *grin*

Last day of class was today and I feel amazing. While I was there I didn't feel too hot though. After my math final, I had to finish my SAT final and suddenly my blood sugar went nuts. I had nothing to eat but coffee, but it wasn't intentional. I just didn't really feel like eating, especially since I was so stressed with studying all night and trying to prepare. So my teacher being the sympathetic sweet woman that she is, said I could take it home and finish it. Aww, I love her! Summer has officially started for me. It's going to be a nice break I can see ^__X
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[05 Jun 2005|04:26am]
Binged. Unforunately...

Waking up at 12:00PM. No excuses. No sorry ass excuses.

Going to run around the house for 30 minutes, wee fun!!! Jump rope. Do 50 crunches.
Drink coffee with sugar-free stuff... 0 cals.
Warm water and 2tbsp of low carb cereal. I dunno like 30 cals?
Shit loads of water.

Green tea. 0 cals
Piece of whole wheat bread. 40 cals.

Cup of salad with ff-dressing. 40 cals
Diet Root Bear 0 cals
Crystal Lite.. 5 cals
Green tea. 0 cals
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[05 Jun 2005|03:14am]
[ mood | artistic ]

I'm afraid to say I have a disorder, but do I really?

Newww journal, yay I'm happy! It's a very girly / cutsey screen name, but I like it =D
Anyway, I'm going to get a job at Hollywood Video. Fun, I need a job so I can buy more clothes lol.

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